ZippeTron Is Back, But Never Left

ZippeTron has received criticism lately for failure to consistently report on the world’s most important current events, pede-posts and general Tron-related news. While ZippeTron Times is the world largest newspaper, media outlet and provider of subcutaneous and hypodermic medical syringes, it has failed to issue even a single press release since July of 2005… that’s over thirteen years!

ZippeTron President Mortimer McDooglè came out of the closet blazing hot against the mounting criticism. McDooglè stated that everyone needs a vacation once in a while, and people need to relax. McDooglè went on to rationalize the gap in time with a very bizarre tirade:

“Thirteen is just a number made up of a one and a three. Who in their right mind thinks that the number one or the number three are important in the least. They are essentially non-existent because they are so close to zero, and zero is basically the numerical equivalent of a blackhole. Numbers like one and three are so close to zero they are inside of the zero’s event horizon. And we all know that once you cross the event horizon you get sucked into the blackhole; the zero.”

“Alberto Einstein theorized that time, quite literally, ceases to exist in the center of a blackhole. Therefore, ones and threes cease to exist, and if you remove ones and threes you cannot create thirteen. No thirteen means no thirteen year gap in news articles.”

“It is my professional opinion, as the President of the world’s largest cybernetic, most technologically advanced renovative and transformative, artificially intelligent super company, that what seems to be a thirteen year gap in time was actually just an illusion, plain and simple. It’s science, pure science. Einstein agrees. You don’t think you’re smarter than Alberto Einstein, do you?”.