Posted on November 20, 2018
It’s Thanksgiving – Beware of Pedes!
ZippeTron wishes everyone a happy and healthy Thanksgiving, but we also send a dire message of TERROR!
Many people are unaware of the dangers built into this deliciously festive holiday. For example, both gogopedes and wantapedes come out in droves around the Thanksgiving season. Wantapedes’ favorite food source is the poisonous jungle apple found in a remote region of SE Wisconsin, but they are also very attracted to the apples in Thanksgiving apple pie, prompting their migration into kitchens, under ovens and in between drywall.
Wantapedes are relatively harmless except for the toxic byproducts secreted by their internal ventricular combustion goofy bits. It’s sticky! They are shy creatures and can be rather sneaky, so you might not know you have an infestation until it is too late. Some common warning signs are loud pops, honks and hollers. If these sounds are emanating from your kitchen, underneath your oven or in between your drywall you have a pede problem.
The other type of pede is the gogopede. Gogopedes are a close, but vicious relative of wantapedes. While their main food source is Trix and plantains they also enjoy the succulent scents of Thanksgiving turkey.
In November 2011 a herd of gogopedes invaded a house in Aurora, Illinois. The herd quickly captured the residents, 4 adult males and 3 adult females. Then, they proceeded to snarff down all the turkey and mashed potatoes. Based on survivor accounts, the entire ordeal occurred within approximately five minutes. Gogopedes move fast!
So, enjoy your family. Enjoy your turkey. But remember death is lurking around the corner and it just might be peering at you in the form of a horned gogopede plotting to assault your family, ransack your dwelling and devour your turkey dinner.
Happy Thanksgiving!
I think I have a Goodgopede problem in my shed. Sometimes I store food in there like Fiddle Faddle popcorn, yogurt, and Dunkaroos. I have to store these snuck s in the shed cuz Boomer don’t like it when I munch on my favorites Can this be the reason for pedes?
It is highly unlikely gogopedes would be attracted to Fiddle Faddle or Dunkaroos, because both of those snacks suck.
Depending on the type of yogurt it could be the cause of the gogopede problem. We are curious what type of yogurt you keep in the shed. Let us know and we’d be happy to give a more concrete answer.
-ZT Staff
strawberry banana bash trix yogurt.. is this bad?
YES THIS IS EXTREMELY BAD! Please discontinue all use of Trix yogurt! Gogopede’s favorite naturally occurring food sources include Trix yogurt. Currently, there is a national shortage of yogurt so these pedes have become overly-aggressive.
We highly recommend decontaminating your shed and even proactively defending your house with ZippeTron brand Gogopede-Eater. It comes in a 16 ounce aerosol can and includes a 30.5 cm hose adaptor (use the hose for best results).
We’ll private message you a discount code and invoice for this purchase out of mercy and generosity, because we care about you and your family’s lives.
Good luck. You’ll need it!
-ZT Staff