ZippeTron

Virus Trifecta

ZippeTron Times has recently comes across new information (BREAKING NEWS as of March 15, 2020) that there is a global pandemic going on around the globe. To get more information ZippeTron Times, herein referred to as ZTT or just ZT2, consulted ZippeTron’s lead head of ministerial duties and accusational transactions, Corporal Fixodent.

“Through the use of ZippeTron’s large cybernetic, technologically advanced renovative and transformative, artificially intelligent super computers we have ascertained that the world is being plagued worldwide by three (3) viruses… This is NOT a drill. It is a global epidemic of global proportions and on a global scale, globally.” -Cpl. Fixodent

The three viruses that are gonna kill us all are as follows:

1. Wuhan Virus
2. Coronavirus
3. COVID-19

Reports are coming in that these three viruses are all equally deadly, equally contagious, and ironically all three seem to strategically infect the same people simultaneously, suggesting these three viruses are highly advanced and are communicating with each other.

While there is no cure and no hope, residents and people are urged to stockpile stuff and prepare for a global hibernation of anywhere between 3-5 years due to the extremely threatening, unprecedented nature of these three viruses and their offspring.

ZT2 reminds residents and people to remain calm 🙂

It’s Thanksgiving – Beware of Pedes!

ZippeTron wishes everyone a happy and healthy Thanksgiving, but we also send a dire message of TERROR!

Many people are unaware of the dangers built into this deliciously festive holiday. For example, both gogopedes and wantapedes come out in droves around the Thanksgiving season. Wantapedes’ favorite food source is the poisonous jungle apple found in a remote region of SE Wisconsin, but they are also very attracted to the apples in Thanksgiving apple pie, prompting their migration into kitchens, under ovens and in between drywall.

Wantapedes are relatively harmless except for the toxic byproducts secreted by their internal ventricular combustion goofy bits. It’s sticky! They are shy creatures and can be rather sneaky, so you might not know you have an infestation until it is too late. Some common warning signs are loud pops, honks and hollers. If these sounds are emanating from your kitchen, underneath your oven or in between your drywall you have a pede problem.

The other type of pede is the gogopede. Gogopedes are a close, but vicious relative of wantapedes. While their main food source is Trix and plantains they also enjoy the succulent scents of Thanksgiving turkey.

In November 2011 a herd of gogopedes invaded a house in Aurora, Illinois. The herd quickly captured the residents, 4 adult males and 3 adult females. Then, they proceeded to snarff down all the turkey and mashed potatoes. Based on survivor accounts, the entire ordeal occurred within approximately five minutes. Gogopedes move fast!

So, enjoy your family. Enjoy your turkey. But remember death is lurking around the corner and it just might be peering at you in the form of a horned gogopede plotting to assault your family, ransack your dwelling and devour your turkey dinner.

Happy Thanksgiving!

ZippeTron Is Back, But Never Left

ZippeTron has received criticism lately for failure to consistently report on the world’s most important current events, pede-posts and general Tron-related news. While ZippeTron Times is the world largest newspaper, media outlet and provider of subcutaneous and hypodermic medical syringes, it has failed to issue even a single press release since July of 2005… that’s over thirteen years!

ZippeTron President Mortimer McDooglè came out of the closet blazing hot against the mounting criticism. McDooglè stated that everyone needs a vacation once in a while, and people need to relax. McDooglè went on to rationalize the gap in time with a very bizarre tirade:

“Thirteen is just a number made up of a one and a three. Who in their right mind thinks that the number one or the number three are important in the least. They are essentially non-existent because they are so close to zero, and zero is basically the numerical equivalent of a blackhole. Numbers like one and three are so close to zero they are inside of the zero’s event horizon. And we all know that once you cross the event horizon you get sucked into the blackhole; the zero.”

“Alberto Einstein theorized that time, quite literally, ceases to exist in the center of a blackhole. Therefore, ones and threes cease to exist, and if you remove ones and threes you cannot create thirteen. No thirteen means no thirteen year gap in news articles.”

“It is my professional opinion, as the President of the world’s largest cybernetic, most technologically advanced renovative and transformative, artificially intelligent super company, that what seems to be a thirteen year gap in time was actually just an illusion, plain and simple. It’s science, pure science. Einstein agrees. You don’t think you’re smarter than Alberto Einstein, do you?”.

Researchers Unearth Pedes

Zippe-Tron researchers have just discovered new forms of “pedes”. The ‘Wantapede’ is a giant worm-like creature approximately 12 inches in length by 3 inches diameter. Their only food source is the poisonous Jungle Apple only found in southeastern Wisconsin. Wantapedes are generally harmless and tend to stay away from human contact.

Its larger cousin the ‘Gogopede’ is vicious. The gogopede measures approximately 18-19 inches in length by 5 inches diameter. Gogopedes are strictly carnivorous eating only the cereal TRIX, plantains or Cluver’s brand yellow wieners.

If you see a gogopede eating your Trix do not panic. They can smell fear and will be provoked into attacking. The large horn on their back is used for defensive as well as offensive attacks.

If you spot a gogopede it is likely your home is infested with gogopedes. Gogopedes are social creatures and tend to live in packs of 20-30. The best way to rid your home of gogopede infestation is to purchase Zippe-Tron brand gogopede eater.

Questions on wantapedes, gogopedes or this article e-mail pedeproblems@zippetron.com.

DNA Points to Another McGoogle

Zippe-Tron Times has just learned the indentity of the suspect in the attack on the Zippe-Tron headquarters.

Back in December of 2004 Zippe-Tron’s Wisconsin based headquarters was attacked by a mysterious man in a Flippe-Tron suit who had “googly eyes”. Speculation soared that owner of Flippe-Tron, Guy McGoogle, was reasponsible for the damages. However in an odd twist of events authorities have ruled out Guy McGoogle as the perpetrator.

DNA at the scene of the crime proved beyond a resonable doubt that the suspect in the Zippe-Tron attacks was Guy McGoogle’s younger brother, Junior McGoogle.

Junior was asked to comment on his violent actions… “I’ve always been the younger brother, always. Why can’t I just be the older McGoogle for once? Why? Why? Why?”

Unfortunately, this was the best response Zippe-Tron Times was able to gather from the troubled youth. Currently, Junior McGoogle is being held in confinement awaiting his hearing for destruction of Zippe-Tron property.

Cluver’s Crushes Competition

Zippe-Tron’s fast movement in the fast food sector has proven a fast success. While America brought in the new year with “party poppers”, glowing sticks and cheap, terrible alcohol, Zippe-Tron welcomed 2005 with the gift of taste and quality for America to lust over. The unveiling of Cluver’s was a grand success and a great way for Zippe-Tron to extend it’s loving arm of love even further to the American customer.

Even though the partying is over Zippe-Tron and Cluver’s continue hard at work making only the best for YOU. In the past five months Cluver’s has become the fastest growing restaurant chain in America. Within the last four months Zippe-Tron has opened up Cluver’s restaurants in all of the 50 States, Mexico, Bolivia and Manzanillo in Cuba. In all Cluver’s has grown to over 5,387 restaurants strong.

Zippe-Tron Times spoke with Founder XXXXX about Cluver’s success. “I was so surprised that Cluver’s became America’s favorite over night. I attribute our national, and now international success, to the Great Steak on the Cluver’s menu. However, none of this would be possible without the hard working Cluver’s employees, literally throughout the world. It just goes to show that honest advertising and great food hits people in the stomach. And they love Cluver’s.”

Fast Food Future?

Zippe-Tron Times has recently gotten word that Zippe-Tron may be delving into the fast food market. This rumor began circulating when founder, XXXXX, began bad mouthing local fast food restaurants, claiming that they were sucking up too much business, business he felt should be owned by Zippe-Tron.

XXXXX was also seen in a meeting with co-founder, XXXXX, discussing the potential of a “large scale superburger”. Due to XXXXX paper thin office walls Zippe-Tron times managed to hear parts of their meeting, but entire sentences were impossible to make out. The word “mayonnaise” was used about 84 times throughout their 30 minute meeting. And something about “hamburglets” was mentioned. Also, an arguement over the use of “home-made Pepsi” resulted in a shouting match which soon turned into a spitting competition. XXXXX gave up after XXXXX threatened to “gas up the office”.

More on the Fast Food Frenzy as information becomes available.

Brutal Attack

Zippe-Tron Industries’ Wisconsin based headquarters was attacked by a mysterious man in a Flippe-Tron suit with googly eyes. Police have one suspect, but are refusing to release the name. Zippe-Tron Times is guessing the suspect is the notorious Guy McGoogle, owner of Flippe-Tron. XXXXX commented on the situation.

“I remember sitting in a conference with Guy McGoogle and watching those strange googly eyes bouncing all over the place. I am sure that the googly eyes in the surveillance footage matches the googly eyes that Mr. McGoogle has. I am guessing that after our conference in which Mr. McGoogle was extremely upset that he decided to take matters into his own hands. Unfortunatly his dimwitted personality failed to alert him that he was wearing a Flippe-Tron suit or that his eyes are too googly to be sneaky.”

In the incident two Zippe-Tron Transport Trailers were spraypainted with big letters that read, “I am Xlippe-Tron. I hate Zippe-Tron”. On the west side of Zippe-Tron was spraypainted the words, “I’m hungry and will google you to death.” Authorities also found that numerous bottles of Scorpo-Kill were stolen and the perpetrator also hollared at the Tronster and got it so riled that it broke one of its kankles. And at the entrance the perpetrator peed on the door handle and then left a note threatening “a poopy next time”. More updates later.

BIG Negotiations

Rumor has it that Zippe-Tron Industries will be buying out its, lesser competitor, Flippe-Tron. Ceo of Flippe-Tron, Guy McGoogle, has refused to comment on the situation. Zippe-Tron Times did manage to speak with XXXXX, CEO of Zippe-Tron Industries.

“Nothing is cut in stone. We still have a lot of negotiations to work through. Guy McGoogle and I have been working closely to come to some reasonable terms regarding the future of Flippe-Tron.” -XXXXX

XXXXX also commented to Zippe-Tron Times that Guy McGoogle probably got his name because of his googly eyes. “It is so difficult to talk to Mr. McGoogle. His eyes just roll in really odd directions and sometimes opposite directions while he is talking with you,” said XXXXX.

Kankles: Patient Zero

Zippe-Tron Industries has stumbled upon what it considers to be a miracle.

“There it was lingering in the front of our Wisconsin based headquarters, mowing our lawn, The One, the first living being to have kankles,” stated co-founder, XXXXX.

Zippe-Tron scientists have not yet been able to determine whether the creature used to be a human.

“What we have been able to conclude is that the creature has no ankles, but definately has kankles and it is the worst case of kankles that we’ve seen to date. The creature has managed to stay mobile while having kankles. It seems to have evolved a thick layer of fat directly underneath the foot. It uses this large fat deposit to gracefully roll itself around, kind of like roller blades. This is the method it was using to mow our lawn,” said XXXXX.

While it has not been determined how the creature initially developed kankles, scientists at Zippe-Tron are positive the creature is the first kankle case known to mankind, and may very well be the key to unlock the great mystery that surrounds the cure to kankles. Zippe-Tron reports that the creature has been locked in a containment bubble until tests are conclusive.